Transparency

I haven't blogged in a long time. There are quite a few reasons for that. In this blog, I'm going to mention them. Mostly for accountability to myself, also to show the world that I am not perfect, as much as I wish I was. I'm really dreading doing this. And I know it's not something that I necessarily have to do, but for my own self, I need to do it. So here goes.

Most of you (all 2 of you) who follow me may have very well noticed that I have not blogged in QUITE some time. The last time I blogged was about the shambles that this world is in. The craziness that was going on in Egypt that is now taking place all over. Anywho. I miss blogging. BIG time. I miss sharing with other people what God is sharing with me and speaking to me and also sharing what I have been teaching my little Kennedy and JulieAnne, and just what has been going on in our life in general.

Here's the problem. About a month ago, I realized that God wasn't speaking to me as clearly as He had been the past year. I mean, I can boast in Him and tell you in all complete honesty that me and God, we were TIGHT!!! Like daily basis He was shedding new light on things in my life and providing me with wisdom in whatever way I might have needed it. So it came to the point that I recognized that still small voice was void in my life. WHOA RED FLAG! OK. So at least I noticed it, thanks only to His grace, and because of the fact that because He is this kind of God, I'm sure He was longing and aching for our intimate relationship that we had worked SO stinkin hard to build up to where it was! So I recognized the emptiness. The lack of joy. The stress. The busyness...ETC that were all signs of a problem. I am human. I sin. I am not perfect. I fall short....it's my destiny. I will mess up. However you want to say it! As I gradually started replacing the important things in my life with the somewhat less important, I began to unintentionally replace my God with things of less importance. Now do not get me wrong, I have been busy doing some wonderful great things.

Take for example the Mother's Day Out that I was working at! One of the greatest places EVER to work! I loved it, all of the teachers, my kids and everything! But, with my girls being ages 3 & 1, I was coming home exhausted and burnt out from the 2 year old class at school, and then not really wanting to tote my own kids, change their diapers, play with them, love on them, because I'd already been doing that for 10 or so other kids all of Tuesday and Thursday. My own 2 kiddos are at a VERY vital age. They are...VERRRRRRY....high maintenance. Very needy. Very busy, very clingy...the list goes on! And this mama, although not completely neglecting by ANY means, (my rotten children have never gone unloved or uncared for, even when I feel like I am neglecting them, they are still probably receiving more love than the majority of children in this world!) was definitely slacking in the attention department! And I was feeling more and more guilty and stressed each day.

Next problem and this is where anyone with ministry ears to hear, LISTEN UP!! I was completely and utterly bogged down with ministry. To the point that I wanted to QUIT EVERYTHING! Anyone ever get so busy in life that you just want to quit life. Period?! Well that's where I was at. I have always ALWAYS played a major and I mean MAJOR role in whatever Chuck's ministry of the moment is. So since we moved to Jackson last June and began helping to develop the family ministry at Journey Church, I was full on as much as possible! I mean that's just how I roll. I've been known to lead children's worship at 8 months pregnant, take a 6 week old to summer camp, open my home to loud, crazy, AWESOME youth with a newborn and 2 year old....and MUCH MUCH more :) and that is my choice. I have always loved doing that! I'm pretty sure I felt like I could simultaneously nurse a newborn, lead a small group, watch my 2 year old and pat Chuck on the back all while attending some wild youth trip. And I very well may have done that a time or 2!! lol. But the fact of the matter is that as we've been riding out this church plant wave, satan has so very sneakily continued to add one thing after another onto my plate thinking that I wouldn't notice. And most of those things, because he is THAT sneaky, have been "ministry" things. "Oh I'm Rachel, sign me up for any and everything!! I can do it all!! Wahoo! Let's go!! More more more!!" There's my t-shirt that I must've been wearing around for far too long...lol!

But here is my realization, thanks in part to multiple confirmations! God, His word, other ministry wives, and a wonderful book that me and the other Journey pastor wives have been reading called You Can Still Wear Cute Shoes by Lisa McKay!! There's her blog if you'd like to check it out!! She is awesome :) My realization is that doing ministry or ministries or volunteering or whatever with church, DOES NOT MATTER if you are putting your MAIN ministry to the back burner. I needed this reminder BAD: Rachel, your FAMILY is your number 1 ministry!!!! Final answer. Now I'm trying to go easy on myself because this whole 2 little kid thing is really shifting our lives still. I have always been able to juggle things and balance really well. Take for example the fact that I was pregnant and had a baby the same year that I was getting my Masters degree and doing all of my work for that! But as time has gone on and my girls have gotten older and more, well let's say time consuming ;) it has become much more difficult to be as involved as I would like to be. And as I have mentioned before, I am very much a control person, and a perfectionist. Do you think it is easy for that kind of person to tell people no, or back away from things....NO!!!! It's not. It's very VERY hard and against everything that my personality is and knows! But what God was eventually able to get through my thick clouded skull was that I was far too busy and stressed for Him. And He was sooo hurt :( So one by one, ONLY with His help, because I could NEVER do this alone, I began to say no and step back from various things in my life, including...dum dum DUMMMMMM.....MINISTRIES!!!! AHHH!!!!! And ya know what....it's ok!! Chuck is also still getting used to the fact that I cannot do everything like I used to and cannot be as involved as we'd both like for me to be :/ But we will make it through!! No doubt about that!!

So here's my conclusion(s) after a lot of venting and heart clearing...which by the way felt VERY good!
1) I am an EXCELLENT Pastor's Wife no matter what lies the king of deception tries to feed me!
2) My family is my first ministry PERIOD....and if that ministry is not in good condition, then I have NO BUSINESS being in any other!!
3) If I'm not hearing God, it's my own dumb fault and I need to survey my situations!
4) I'm not perfect!!!!
5) I love to blog and it is an EXCELLENT way for me to get out all that I am feeling and still hopefully help other people (or at least give them some good entertainment!! lol)
6) When you have kiddos....nothing is the same. As hard as you may try to keep on trucking, things just won't ever be the same! And that is O-KAY! People understand, and if they don't....well....no comment!

So there it is. Once again my full open and honest transparency! Just me being about as imperfect, chaotic, and busy as any perfectionist can possibly be and trying to remain sane.

I praise You O Lord for humbling me. For teaching me and guiding me every step of the way. For instructing me when I wander away from You and very quickly and tenderly accepting me back into Your loving arms. Reveal to me all of the things that stand in the way of me loving You, seeing You, hearing You, and receiving full blessings from You. I live my life for You alone! Revive me O Lord and grant me the full peace that passes all understanding and a joy that truly comes from down in the depths of my heart. May a light shine in and through me that allows others to see You!

amen.